


A Year in the Life of a Woman

by Cantatrice18



Category: Vandread
Genre: Canon Trans Character, Diary/Journal, Gen, Undercover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-25
Updated: 2013-11-25
Packaged: 2018-01-02 14:30:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1057880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cantatrice18/pseuds/Cantatrice18
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>BC's journal, dating from the time of her top secret surgery on Tarak. What effect did her time on board the pirates' ship have on her? When, in the process of her assignment, did she truly begin to feel like a woman?</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Year in the Life of a Woman

Tarak Empire Special Information Bureau: Tenmei Uragasumi.  
Rank: Commander.  
ID-Code: Kanoe-2038

 

I write this journal as a service to mankind in their pursuit of a final solution to the problem of women. I know that it is a risk to record anything that might incriminate me as a spy, but I must do it, for my own sake as well as Tarak’s. In less than twelve hours I will undergo the most advanced surgical operations known to our civilization, operations that will make me indistinguishable from women in practically every way. I volunteered for this mission knowing the risks involved, knowing that the process of reversal is far less tested and safe. I may be forced to live with some female traits for the rest of my life, even after the mission. But for the good of my people I will sacrifice my own body. When I next write I shall be a new person.

 

Day 1 – 14 hours after surgery  
My body aches. I feel strange, and even walking has become a different experience. Our surgeons did a good job on me, though; I resemble pictures of women I have seen in textbooks. They insisted on preserving my original voice, which is a liability, in case of an emergency where I would have to prove to the men of Tarak my true identity. I hope it never comes to that. Speaking with a man’s voice in a woman’s body is oddly disjunct. The collar they have fitted me with provides me with an appropriate replacement; my voice as a woman is low and husky, a powerful voice for a woman (or so I have heard on recordings). I have done my research and understand their culture as much as any man. I am anxious now to begin my assignment.

 

Day 16  
I have not had time or opportunity to write. I have done just as the tactical plan stated, and embedded myself amongst a crew of female pirates headed by Magno Vivian. She is a crafty old woman, but my cool head and skills with a whip convinced her that I would be a useful addition. I will attempt to receive a promotion as soon as possible – the more I can control, the more I can learn and report.

 

Day 22  
My first promotion has occurred, and far sooner than expected. A trio of females and myself were on a scouting expedition that went awry. Having studied the schematics of the ship, I was able to maneuver out of the line of fire, while directing the women to attack with the ship’s onboard guns. We escaped with barely any damage to the hull. Upon our return the captain immediately upgraded my status to that of an officer with the ability to command, precisely as I’d hoped. 

 

Day 30  
The captain watches me. She is cunning and does not yet trust me, I know. I have to be very careful not to do anything that might rouse her suspicions.

 

Day 44  
The women aboard this ship are nothing like what I expected. Textbooks and history records never discuss the way they chatter amongst themselves or how quickly they can change moods. It is a whirlwind of emotion, one that gives me a headache just to watch.

 

Day 56  
I have discovered information as to the mating and reproductive habits of women, and it is the strangest thing imaginable. I have read my history enough to know that in the ancient days before men and women split into two civilizations they used to create children from their own bodies. Men overcame this obstacle but for some bizarre reason incomprehensible to me women chose to keep the archaic form of procreation. The mechanics involved still confuse me, but what I do know is this: for months on end a woman will carry a child inside of her as it grows, until it is ready to enter the world. This seems very unsafe to me – what if something should happen to the mother? But women are not logical. That much is certain.

 

Day 71  
I do not have a birthday. The concept is new, that people would celebrate coming into the world. It is not as though a person can actually remember that day. I had to lie and say some random date. I hope it does not come up again.

 

Day 80  
Something odd happened today. I should have expected it, but it is hard not to feel like an outsider among such people as the crew of Magno Vivian. We had landed in a foreign port and one of the more argumentative women had gotten into a fight with a trader. Suddenly, the trader tried to hit her. I can only assume he thought she had stolen something. Knowing the woman as I did, I was sure she had done no such thing and I confronted the trader myself. The two of us exchanged harsh words and were on the verge of coming to blows when I felt two of my shipmates come to stand beside me. Their presence ensured that no fight took place, and when I asked them why they had stopped it they said it was to protect me. Apparently there is an unwritten rule that binds shipmates to one another, or perhaps it applies to all women. In any case, their desire to keep me from harm outweighed personal concerns on their part. This demands further investigation.

 

Day 85  
Once again, this strange camaraderie has won out. Women, it seems, fight in groups better than they do alone.

 

Day 87  
I retract my earlier statement. Women fight very well alone. 

 

Day 90  
I now have attained the rank of bridge commander. Only a few women have higher clearance than I. Magno Vivian still watches me. She has begun to teach me things privately about her way of leading the crew. She says she sees in me a powerful and charismatic captain, if I continue on my present course. I cannot say I did not feel a hint of shame for deceiving her.

 

Day 100  
I can barely believe it has been so short a time since my body became female. Truly, I am more comfortable now than I have ever been in my life. I have begun physical training exercises with the crew, teaching even the most inept women the basics of hand-to-hand combat, and the motions of my body are as natural as if I had been born a woman. I do not know how to feel about this. It will take further reflection.

 

Day 104  
There is something here, on this ship, that I have only begun to understand. It is not a concept so much as a feeling, a way of existence alien to my mind yet enticing to my emotions. On Tarak we feel a brotherly love towards one another, a camaraderie that allows us to fight and live as a cohesive unit. Any other feelings we may have are shunted aside for the good of all. Not so with women: here there is something else. Their form of love is passionate and all-consuming. When one woman feels such love for another it is all she can think about, talk about. It becomes her very reason for existing. She ignores the other person’s flaws and focuses on their true self, their soul. Sometimes one woman will make the mistake of loving one who does not love her back, but that will not stop her feelings. Perversely, it often makes the feelings stronger. These episodes of emotion give women such pain, but the pleasure they derive from being together is as genuine as I have ever seen.

 

Day 107  
I have succeeded in the first phase of my mission. After taking over as acting captain during a difficult operation, Magno Vivian has made me her vice-captain. I am not proud. How can I be? She has taught me so much already, been kind to me and humored me despite my errors. I have, in turn, deceived her and my fellow crewmates onboard. I am an imposter, a fraud and a liar. My heart aches with guilt, but I hide it behind a mask of calm. Everyone is fooled.

 

Day 109  
I have thought long and hard about my ruse, my undercover identity. There is more to my feelings than just a desire to end the lies and deceit. I do not want to proclaim my true nature to them. The truth is worse than that: I want my true nature to change. I want more than anything to be a woman, a real woman with no secret, shameful past. I want to live as a woman and find love as a woman. I want to feel and experience everything these women take for granted. I understand now why I volunteered for this mission, why I insisted upon taking the risk of surgery. Perhaps even on Tarak I believed that there was another place, another culture where I could fit in more, where I could feel at home. And I have found such a place and made it my home, but at a price. The price of honesty. 

 

Day 111  
There are men of Tarak aboard this ship. The news terrified me, for what if they knew my identity and exposed me as a spy? Thankfully they did not. Of the three men now aboard, only one seems to have any sense at all. He is quiet and watchful, a doctor and an elite. The other two are fools. The small one, Hibiki, has caught the eye of one of our pilots. I hope that she does not get too attached to him: men from Tarak do not understand the way women love, and she will end up hurt. The third man is simply an idiot – there is no other way to put it. 

 

Day 113  
The idiot is now our helmsman. The ship itself chose him, and no one can doubt the choice. “Bart”, as he is called, now has power over the inner workings of our vessel. We are doomed.

 

Day 114  
One of the women, Ezra, is pregnant. I can hardly believe such a thing can happen, but it brings me relief to know that she is not ill as we all first believed. 

 

Day 120  
The crew have become surprisingly receptive to the men’s presence. It makes me wonder whether reconciliation between the two nations is so very farfetched as the high command of Tarak led us all to believe.

 

Day 131  
I have sent word of the “harvesters” to the commanders of Tarak intelligence, though I cannot be sure that my messages have not been lost to the cold outer reaches of space. I hope they will listen: this threat is greater than any we have faced, and certainly greater than that posed to us by women. 

 

Day 169  
It has become far harder to write. I am constantly busy and rarely remember that I ever was an officer and commander in the Tarak Intelligence Service. I have seen such things here…

 

Day 180  
Civilizations beyond our knowledge exist, planets where men and women survive and work together. It cannot be impossible for Tarak to do the same.

 

Day 209  
I have encountered a problem. Bart, the foolish helmsman, has begun to idolize me. I ignored it, thinking his admiration harmless like that of the women, but it has transformed into something greater. I believe he has feelings for me, serious ones. He seems to be experiencing the type of love the women aboard ship exhibit in their relationships, a type that will only lead to heartache. I cannot love him back, but I can feel his pain and hurt. He will never know the many reasons I repel his advances.

 

Day 270  
A strange pod was brought on board, containing a cryogenically frozen human female in her early teenage years. She may be from earth, or perhaps not, only time will tell.

 

Day 284  
There is new life onboard this ship. Ezra has given birth to a beautiful little girl, a tiny thing with enormous eyes. I cannot bring myself to hold the baby, for what if I hurt it by mistake? What if, in my ineptitude, I hurt the child without meaning to? It is enough for me just to watch from afar. Despite the pain and inconvenience there is an indescribable magic to the way women produce children. Their babies are born into a world of warmth and love. Perhaps there is a way for Tarak to find some of that warmth and instill it in our children.

 

Day 303  
I have lost a comrade. More than that, I have lost a friend. Gascogne was Magno Vivian’s right hand, her adopted daughter. Gascogne was capable and calm in times of distress; she was sarcastic, yet pure-hearted. She was a rock, a foundation upon whom we could all depend, and she is gone. My soul mourns for her as much as it has for anyone in my life, even my family.

 

Day 311  
I am far more powerful than I could have ever imagined – I have the power to change the way people act, not through orders, but through suggestion. These women trust me, as a commander but also as a woman. I feel as though I am a woman with them, a sister to their sufferings. They come to me for advice, reveal to me their fears and weaknesses, and I do all I can to help them. In the months I have lived as a woman I have realized that people have the same worries no matter whether they are male or female. I am now a woman in body, but I have always been a woman in spirit.

 

Day 340  
I write this from the officer’s quarters at Tarak. Mere hours ago the security minefield between Tarak and its enemies forced me to reveal my identity in order to save my own life and the lives of everyone aboard the ship. I am ashamed to say that I was almost too cowardly to do it: I valued the relationship I had with Magno Vivian and her crew so highly that I nearly sacrificed their lives in order to save their good opinion. Pathetic. I deserve their scorn, and if I am ever fortunate enough to see my crew again I will be prepared to meet their reproaches with the silence of one who knows her crime. I am a traitor to them all, and if they die their blood will be on my hands. It cannot happen. 

The supreme commanders of Tarak intend to give me a medal of honor for my invaluable service to the nation. I alone realize the dishonorable nature of my service, but some crimes can be repaired. The senior members of Tarak military have urged me to undergo the reverse surgical process before accepting my medal; apparently, the thought of pinning a man’s medal on a woman’s chest is too distasteful for them. They will not persuade me – no one will. I am a woman, now and forevermore. I owe allegiance to neither civilization, but to my own conscience. And I will see to it that my crew, my odd family of pirates and misfits, is kept safe. 

 

Day 365  
One year has passed. One year. In one year I went from a sheltered, introverted military officer of Tarak, to a pirate, a female commander who has the confidence and trust of every member of her crew. Magno Vivian forgave my deception, even acknowledged that she knew of my identity before I revealed it so publicly. She accepted me for the person I am now, not the person who boarded her ship a year ago, and her confidence in me spread to infect every member of our crew. It is as though my betrayal never happened: women still come to me for advice and help, and I direct them as best I can. To them I am not Commander Tenmei Uragasumi, ID-Code: Kanoe-2038. I am Buzam Calessa, vice-captain, leader, and guardian of their futures. Why would I ever want to be anyone else?


End file.
